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Congratulations to the winner of our previous Dress Libs, SPIKE, who took one look at Eva Mendes in this:



And came up with this:

"Okay, first off, she needs to stop doing that thing with her leg. She's apparently stoned and thinks she's at a saloon in a Warner Brothers movie. As for her dress, it kind of looks like something Scarlett O'Hara would have worn for cocktails if she'd been a little bit more of a syphilis-ridden brothel worker. The skirt looks a little like a cheap, flammable toilet seat cover you'd find in a disreputable thrift store, the bust looks like a decomposing carcass, and the whole thing is the color of a burn scar. Her clutch looks like a cheap makeup bag and her shoes look like vinyl pincers. Top it off with makeup that looks like it was applied with a pressure washer and hair that looks like it was styled with a meat tenderizer and this girl just needs to go home and start over."

WOW! Spike, you are a BITCH!

Minions, here is your chance to realize your lifelong dream to be a bitchy gay fashion blogger. Are you ready? Then we'll begin.


Smell Miss Thing here! Honey you can bat those (animal) eyes at the cameras all you want, you still look like (female country star) from the neck up, a (type of window treatment) from the neck to the knees, and a (heavy piece of furniture) wearing (very old female celebrity's) shoes from the knees down. The dress is not a total (word for something really bad). The color looks a little like something (muppet) might favor, but a true diva could make it work. But that SKIRT! She looks like (female cartoon character) at her 8th grade dance! It makes her look like a (plastic toy little girls [and gay boys] play with), which is really confusing, because those shoes look like she's ready to sit down and watch (TV show that really old people watch)! But the absolute WORST are those dark blue tights, which match NOTHING and which make her look like a folk dancer from (country you don't like). This girl isn't just a hot mess, she's a (flamboyant synonym for hot typed in all caps) MESS! She needs to get back to the touch, the feel, the fabric of our lives, PRONTO!

[Photo Credit: wireimage, getty]

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Labels: Dress Libs, Fashion, Marc Jacobs, Red Carpet, Zooey Deschanel